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Dear Texas A&M and Missouri: Here's a Word From Our Sponsors

Previously: Welcome to SEC Media Days, Beware the Jefferson Pilot Games

Dear Texas A&M and Missouri,

We all love the purity of the game of football around these parts, as I assume you do too. However, it is necessary for commercial messages to be displayed from time to time to help finance our addictions to enormous coaching salaries and ever more swanky facilities. I know this was the case for you in the Big 12 as well.

Perhaps the best pitchman in conference history was also probably the best coach in conference history: Bear Bryant. He used to do his coach's show while drinking a bottle of Coke with a mountain of Golden Flake potato chips right there on the desk. Even more famous than that, though, is his classic "Have you called your mama today?" spot for South Central Bell:

Though Bryant's ads were reserved and classy, things have gone a bit downhill in more recent memory. The results are hilarious.

You didn't live in the SEC over the past 20 some odd years without seeing at least one ad featuring Jimmy Rane, the "Yella Fella". The long time Auburn booster has pitched his pressure treated pine with a litany of SEC coaches, though lately he's just been in his ads by himself. The defining characteristics of his ads are him in a yellow cowboy outfit that would put Oregon to shame and soul-suckingly bad puns:

Golden Flake never stopped advertising after Bryant. Its ad with Tommy Tuberville is too epic to truly be described in words:

Urban Meyer may no longer be with us in this league, but his awkward fist pump will live on forever:

And truly, nothing could better sell urban assault vehicles than Ed Orgeron's low rumble of a voice:

If you've seen some or all of these before, then I apologize for not bringing you something new. As with everything else in the league, the trend of goofy ads has been largely ruined by Nick Saban's ability to suck the joy out of everything. You now have to look to recent graduates to find awkward commercials with potentially horrifying subtexts.

I don't know if Kevin Sumlin and Gary Pinkel will film any classics that stand up to these, but we can only hope so. For now, you can try to fit in around here by cracking open an ice cold Coke, crunching on some Golden Flake, and loading up your Hummer with some Osmose to fix up your deck for the season ahead.