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Florida Gators 9, Vanderbilt Commodores 7: Florida -- Seriously -- Just Won the SEC East

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This can't be real life.

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

The SEC East's worst-dressed team -- on and off the field -- is now also its champion. Florida beat Vanderbilt, 9-7, on Saturday to claim the division title, doing so in one of the more awful games in this series' history. And that's saying something. Man, was this game bad. Quite literally, the following is all you need to know about the affair:

  • Florida scored its first and last touchdown nine minutes into the game. It missed the PAT. Actually, a pre-dental student who's been on the team for all of two weeks missed the PAT. But, I mean, that's not entirely his fault, really. He missed, you know, every spring practice, and all of fall camp, and every practice and game prior to last week's. He played Saturday because no one trusts Florida's actual scholarship kicker. But more on him later.
  • Okay, so nothing even remotely interesting happened thereafter until the literal last minute of the first half. This is when Vandy back Ralph Webb -- who hails from Gainesville and who was essentially told by Florida's coaches that he sucks at football when they didn't offer him -- broke off a 74-yard TD run. Vanderbilt's kicker actually did make the PAT.
  • Literally nothing else interesting happened until late in the fourth quarter. The score was still 7-6 after another half-hour of "football." The interesting part finally came, though, when a desperate Florida, facing the very real reality of losing to Vandy on homecoming -- and blowing a supposed layup for a divisional championship in the process -- trotted out that kicker that nobody trusted to attempt a 43 YARD field goal! And wouldn't you know it, the son of a b actually made it! Some minutiae occurred afterwards -- a questionable targeting penalty, some more dumbass penalties yada yada, that extended Vandy's drive and hopes -- but the game, mercifully, ended soon after on a 9-7 note.

Florida, if you can believe it, is going to Atlanta.