[NOTE: This is supposed to have a little fun at everyone's expense, but mostly at the expense of the Big 12. It is the product of a period of loopiness and not intended to convey any partisan or political bias. Please don't take it too seriously. I will close comments, if necessary, but I sincerely hope it won't be.]
[A portion of MSNBC's Republican presidential debate Wednesday was concerned with the Big 12, but was not shown to viewers. Team Speed Kills has obtained a transcript of that portion of the debate.]
BRIAN WILLIAMS: Welcome back to NBC's Republican presidential debate. I'm Brian Williams. We return to our questions, and we want to ask about the situation currently unfolding in the Big 12, where Texas A&M could bolt and cause a huge shake-up. Rep. Michele Bachmann, your thoughts?
BACHMANN: Obamacare.
WILLIAMS: Thank you, Rep. Bachmann. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, how would you save the Big 12 if elected?
GINGRICH: Well, first of all, we have to recognize that the idea of giving every program equal access to the revenues of a football conference is part of the current administration's commitment to bureaucratic socialism. If Texas can sell its programming through the Longhorn Network, I think they should go for it. But saving the Big 12 is simple, it just takes a 17-part plan. First, we have to ...
WILLIAMS: Thank you, Speaker, thank you. Herman Cain?
CAIN: The issue is, you need to have someone with real-life experience in the real economy to fix this. So I'm proposing my 9-9-9 program: Nine conferences with nine teams each and nine bowls for the conference champions.
WILLIAMS: Where would the nine teams that play the champions in the bowls come from?
CAIN: See, Brian, this is the kind of liberal question that the Washington establishment just can't seem to handle. We'll have opponents.
WILLIAMS: Very well then. Gov. Perry, you're an Agg--
PERRY: GIG 'EM!!! Brian, I'll tell you what, the Big 12 is a giant Ponzi scheme. SEC AHOY!!! GIG 'EM!!!
WILLIAMS: Thank you gover--
PERRY: GIG 'EM!!!!
WILIAMS: Yes, sir. Gov. Mitt Romney, you wanted to say something?
ROMNEY: Brian, this is entirely the wrong way to go about this. Our nominee has to be someone who isn't committed to abolishing the Big 12, but who is committed to saving the Big 12. Ronald Reagan supported the Big 12.
WILLIAMS: But Gov. Romney, many would point out that Boston College left the Big East while you were governor and UMass is headed to the MAC.
ROMNEY: Well, Brian, first of all, let me just say that what's good for Massachusetts isn't necessarily what's best for the rest of the country. What we did in Massachusetts was completely different than what's going on now. Those teams were trapped in leagues that were failing. That's not the case here.
WILLIAMS: Rep. Bachmann, you had your hand raised?
BACHMANN: Obamacare.
WILLIAMS: Okay. Rep. Paul, you're from Texas, what do you think?
PAUL: I think teams ought to be able to join whichever conferences they choose. But I want to go back to something we talked about earlier, Brian -- the border fence. I'm not entirely certain that the border fence isn't necessarily being built to keep Texas A&M in the Big 12. In fact, I think I saw Ken Starr in one of the machine gun nests.
WILLIAMS: (stares blankly for a moment) Moving on. Gov. Huntsman, your state has also had some issues with conference realignment. How would you handle the situation?
HUNTSMAN: I would go to the people of Texas and I would talk to them, in Texan. Because right now is the wrong time to start a conference war. We're in the middle of a football season.
WILLIAMS: Rep. Bachmann, you wanted to say something again?
BACHMANN: Obamacare.
[Someone enters from stage left.]
WILLIAMS: Ladies and gentlemen, this was very unexpected -- the president of the United States has joined us.
BARACK OBAMA: Brian, I just wanted to say that saving the Big 12 is part of my jobs plan. And Congress should pass it -- right away. And one more thing, Brian.
WILLIAMS: Yes, sir?
OBAMA: Congress should pass my jobs plan without delay.
WILLIAMS: Thank you, sir. Gov. Perry, you wanted to respond?
PERRY: GIG 'EM!!! (Begins singing) Good bye to texas university / So long to the orange and the white --
WILLIAMS: Thank you, Gov. Perry. (Perry continues singing) We're going to take a quick break, and we'll be right back.
RICK SANTORUM: Wait, don't I get to answer the question?
Fin