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Bold Predictions in Bold: Steve Spurrier is Perfect, and I Love Him

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Never leave me, Steve.

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It pains me to write the following because Stephen Orr Spurrier is my favorite person of all-past, all-future, all-time. Not just my favorite coach, or native-Tennessean, or visor-donner, or non-professional golfer, or stadium-nickname-giver, or quarterback, or septuagenarian (sorry, grandma) — my favorite mortal human, ever ... ever. He's my answer to the "if you could have dinner with one person" query, he's my answer in the "if you could trade places with a person for a day" game, he's my answer to the "Alex, from whom did you adopt your DGAF approach to life?" question — he's my world. I love Steve Spurrier. (I also have a huge crush on Jerri Spurrier, but that's neither here nor there.)

Steve Spurrier, it's worth noting is very good at his job. He is also, the spryest seventy-something coach in modern collegiate history, if not any sport, ever. Given just a smidgen of talent, he could coach a team to conference-championship contention, no problem.

The 2015 South Carolina Gamecocks bear not a smidgen of talent on their roster.

Before writing this, I cross-checked the Gamecocks lineup to verify what I already knew: that being I don't recognize a damn name on the team. Who are these people? But now that I think about it, knowing Steve, he'll find a way to win a few games regardless — because if anyone can guide ninety-something talentless, no-name hacks to a respectable 8-5 season, it's Steve Spurrier. (This post won't be some grim after all!) Here's how Steve will do it:

He'll start by beating North Carolina.

He'll follow that up with a win at Georgia.

He'll beat UCF.

And Tennessee.

And Florida.

The Citadel, of course.

He'll knock off a then-one-loss Clemson team to end the year — effectively ending CU's playoff-hopes in the process. He will smile at this.

He will beat his bowl game opponent, and in the last minute, no less.

Notice the repeated use of "he," because it is the sheer presence and will of Steve Spurrier that will make these occurrences reality:

It is because of Steve Spurrier, and his uncanny ability to nurture quarterbacking talent, that Lorenzo Nunez will win emerge as a breakout star this season. Nunez will be a Freshman All-American because of Steve Spurrier. And with someone decent throwing the ball, wide out Pharoh Cooper and tight end Kevin Crosby, will be able to enjoy All-SEC campaigns. The two Brandon's — Wilds and Shell — will be All-SEC First-Teamers; Shell also, will be an All-American — and again, this attributable to Steve Spurrier.

Carolina's defense will still not be very good. I'm sorry; I have nothing positive to say about that side of the ball. Steve Spurrier does not coach the defense. In fact, I have no idea who does that, either.

But again, that offense! Boy, will that offense be something. Carolina's offense lost a lot, but Steve Spurrier is an offensive wizard, and therefore Carolina's offense will lead the SEC East in total offense.

Given what it lost, South Carolina should probably not win eight games this season. Given what it returns, South Carolina puts fear in few teams, if any. But South Carolina has the ultimate advantage. South Carolina has Steve Spurrier: he the molder of winners, and beautiful-spiral-hurlers, and the most perfect person ever.

South Carolina will be just fine in 2015.