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Bold Predictions in Bold: Dark Clouds Looming in Death Valley

Ain't no sunshine-pumpin' here, homie.

Crystal LoGiudice-USA TODAY Sports

Look, LSU — that is, the university itself — is great in many respects: its fans are passionate, and Shaq went there, and Lolo Jones did too; the campus is located in and near two wonderful cities; purple and gold (it's really yellow, but whatever) go well together; Les Miles is my spirit animal; Ed Orgeron is my everything. I mean really, so many compliments I could lavish upon LSU — again, the school (and its alumni/employees, apparently).

But as far as LSU-based niceties go, the aforesaid is likely all that'll appear hence in this writing. If you are one of those previously mentioned passionate fans, it would be best for all parties if you just left now — I have nothing kind to say about LSU Football 2015.

First though, let us all remember that these writings are of the bold variety; and that I've chosen to exercise that boldness in the form of absolute best-case and worst-case scenarios, mostly. It's highly, highly, highly, unlikely any of the following occurs. I mean, really, when's the last time LSU went O-fer in divisional play?

I said it. I'll even bold it again: LSU won't win a damn game in the SEC West this season (it will beat its Eastern opponents handily, however). It's not that LSU doesn't have any talent — it does: it has pass-catchers; it damn sure has ball-carriers — good lord, does it have ball carriers; it has pass-rushers; it even has pass-defenders.

It does not, however, have a pass-thrower. In these current times, you must be able to throw a pass successfully downfield, and often, to win a football contest. LSU has nary a quarterback on its current roster who fans, defenders, bloggers, coordinators, mothers, children, fathers, LSU-lovers, LSU-haters, neutral parties unaware of American football's existence or God, believe can throw a football downfield enough to beat teams not named McNeese State, Syracuse, Eastern Michigan, Florida and South Carolina. (It seems appropriate to now note that Western Kentucky will also beat LSU.)

No one will be able to step in and fill this pass-throwing void unless Leonard Fournette, he of God-given everything, can also toss footballs — a likelihood because Leonard Fournette can do all things, because Leonard Fournette was wonderfully made by the Creator. So, in effect, I guess I'm saying Leonard Fournette will take over as LSU's QB at some point this season. But, even if he doesn't, Fournette's ball-carrying and on-field emasculations of SEC defenders will be enough for an all-expense trip to New York in December. (He won't win though, here's why)

The Tigers defense is normally good, and despite John Chavis' unceremonial peacing-out of Baton Rouge, if you recruit enough mean and fast people to tackle and defend, things normally turn out OK. And in fact, here's a positive prediction, Tigers and Tigerettes: LSU's defense will finish atop the SEC!

Not sure if a sub-.500 team has ever led its conference in total defense before, but let's not let petty things like history and statistics get in the way here. LSU will not give up many points, but it will also not score very many points This is theoretically possible: a team gives up like, 16.8 points a game, and only scores like, 14.3. Such will be the case for LSU in 2015, down to the decimal.

And while we're on this wave of positivity, let's highlight some LSU post-season superlatives: Kevin Toliver and Derrius Guice will find their ways onto the SEC All-Freshman team, and Vadal Alexander will ride the coattails of Leonard Fournette — ironically, by paving the way for him, on-field — to an Outland Trophy win. Jamal Adams and Jalen Mills will both be All-SEC First-Teamers, the latter of which being also, a Thorpe Award Finalist. (Also-also, if Fournette blossoms into the quarterback I think he can be, Malachi Dupree will be an All-American.)

Les Miles continues to be a bore when it comes to the post-season coaching carousel, so I expect no changes in Tigerland following his lone Hindenburg of a season. Even if LSU shocks the world and does even just OK this season, or even more shocking, does well, he still won't leave. Les Miles is never ever leaving Baton Rouge.