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Transcript of Final College Football Playoff Selection Committee Meeting Revealed*

Once again, our crack staff of investigators has come up with news that you'll find nowhere else

Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

Thanks to our extensive network of sources, Team Speed Kills has exclusively obtained a video recording of Sunday's final meeting of the College Football Playoff selection committee. What follows is a transcript of that meeting.*

JEFF LONG, Chair / Arkansas AD: Okay, everyone, I know we didn't get much sleep last night, but let's try and get this done in time for the selection show. First order of business is to evaluate who should be in the Top 4, and --

BARRY ALVAREZ, Wisconsin AD: I say Ohio State.

LONG: And let's just dive right in. Why Ohio State?

ALVAREZ: Because they beat Wisconsin.

LONG: Anything else, or just "they beat Wisconsin."

ALVAREZ: For crying out loud, they clocked us. I mean, Wisconsin. 59-0. I didn't know it was possible for a football team not coached by Bret Bielema to score 59 points in a game. Heck, we don't always score 59 points in basketball games.

LONG: But how do you account for the fact that Ohio State lost to Virginia Tech?

ALVAREZ: I bet Virginia Tech could beat Wisconsin.

LONG: So do I. Okay, Ohio State is on the table. Is this where we should bring up TCU and Baylor?

ALVAREZ: Neither of them beat Wisconsin.

LONG: Thank you for that, Barry. Anyone else? Oliver, you're kind of our Big 12 guy, do you have any thoughts?

[OLIVER LUCK, athletics director for West Virginia, wearing a coonskin cap, points a musket into the sky and fires it.]

TOM OSBORNE, former Nebraska AD: WHAT THE -- can't a man get some sleep in here?

LONG: Well, Tom, that's not really the idea -- but, Oliver, please try not to fire the gun. Anybody else want to speak about TCU and Baylor?

LT. GEN. MIKE GOULD, Former Superintendent of U.S. Air Force Academy: Actually, I'd like to talk to about Florida State. Now, I like my football teams like I like my militaries: Nuke 'em 'til they glow, and shoot 'em in the dark. Kind of like Alabama.

PAT HADEN, Southern Cal AD: Here we go with Alabama again.

GOULD: As I was saying, I like my teams to have decisive wins, and Florida State hasn't done that.

LONG: Condi, you have something to say?

CONDOLEEZZA RICE, former secretary of state: Yes, I just wanted to say that I don't think we should hold it against a group that goes into a game with an ill-conceived strategy, unexpectedly finds itself losing when it thought it could win easily, and then comes up with a last-ditch strategy change that allows it claim victory without anyone feeling really good about the outcome. I think that's actually laudable in a way.

LONG: Thank you. I suppose at some point, we should also discuss Orego--

MIKE TRANGHESE, former Big East commissioner: I want to know why we haven't talked about the Big East champion yet.

LONG: Mike, the Big East no longer plays football.

TRANGHESE: Well, why can't we ask one of the basketball teams to represent the conference in the playoff?

LONG: No, we can't do that. Guys, can we try to stay focused here? Oliver, stop pointing the gun at Dan Radakovich.

LUCK: 70-33, and don't you forget it. [Slowly lowers gun.]

LONG: There appear to be votes for Ohio State, Alabama and Florida State. If we assume that we also want --

TYRONE WILLINGHAM, former coach: YES! I just beat level 137 of Candy Crush!

HADEN: Really? Because I've been stuck on that one for a few days now.

LONG: Ty, please put the phone down. [Sighs heavily.] Listen, I move that we have No. 1 Alabama, No. 2 Oregon, No. 3 Florida State and No. 4 Ohio State. All in favor?

[Committee members say "aye" with varying degrees of enthusiasm.]

LONG: Great.

STEVE WIEBERG, former college football reporter: But, Jeff, how are you going to explain this to ESPN and the rest of the media?

LONG: I'll come up with something.

*We have no sources, and none of this is real, in case you were wondering.