SEC Media Days 2013: The Top 10 Things the Coaches Could Say, But Won't

This year, as always, we will be providing coverage of SEC Media Days here on Team Speed Kills beginning Tuesday. You can follow along live on Twitter (@TeamSpeedKills), and we'll try not to just tweet out the same quotes that the 50 reporters you already follow are tweeting. Unless we have something snarky to add.

Full disclosure: News in the traditional sense is generally not made at Media Days. But it is a chance to take a look at where each program stands heading into the stretch run of of the offseason and what each coach is thinking about now. But what if the coaches actually said something newsworthy, or something that made the interest paid to the event seem proportional? Here are 10 things I would like to hear said at SEC Media Days this week -- but will not actually be spoken by the coaches.

Gary Pinkel: "I guess I should apologize for being so dismissive last year when you warned me about the SEC. In fairness, I kind of thought you were all like Paul Finebaum."

Steve Spurrier: "Well, we've been doing this for 20-something years now, this that and the other. You know, it's harder for us to get here than it is for Georgia, but we're trying to get Commissioner Slive to fix that."

Kevin Sumlin: "I saw where Coach Saban is going to address you all tomorrow. Please thank him for beating Notre Dame, because it's a d--- strong recruiting pitch to be able to say you're the only team that beat the national champions."

Gus Malzahn: "Shut up. Sorry, I'm just so used to saying that to my wife..."

Dan Mullen: "Thank you, thank you, thank you all. Yes, we are building one of the greatest football programs west of Tuscaloosa and east of the Mississippi River. This is still our state, as the first quarter of last year's Egg Bowl proved."

Bret Bielema: "I'm sorry, I appear to be in the wrong room. Based on my experiences in the B1G, there are way too many people here. Where is SEC Media Days being held?"

Butch Jones: "Apparently, I am the first Tennessee coach in year to attend this event without having ever insulted Steve Spurrier or been on either side of a subpoena. I hope to change one of those things today."

Les Miles: "Having our football go in the SEC West, tough division that it is, it's kind of like being up against a sharknado, and we're hoping to drive in the truck full of explosives that ends it. Which I have done before. Well, that tornado was not full of sharks. Remind me to bring that story to conclusion someday."

Nick Saban: "Well, after this latest national championship, I'm satisfied. I'm going to go live among the Yanomami and let Kirby Smart take it from here."

Mark Richt: Something interesting. If Mark Richt says anything interesting this year, it will be the first time he has ever done so at SEC Media Days, and it will all be worth it.