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Source: Nick Saban Signs Contract With Texas*

According to Team Speed Kills' very good sources at Texas, Nick Saban will soon become the head coach of the Longhorns

Kevin C. Cox

AUSTIN (TSK) -- Alabama head coach Nick Saban has signed a contract with Texas valued at $11 bazillion annually, according to a source close to the program.

"It's going to be a challenge for the boosters," the source told TSK. "For one thing, we have to figure out exactly what a bazillion is."

According to TSK's source, the contract Saban signed also has several fringe benefits. For example, boosters have agreed to purchase a small African nation for Saban upon his retirement. Saban would be able to choose between Eritrea and Kenya. If the coach were to win a national championship, the state of Texas would change its name to Nicksabania.

The university has also figured out how to handle the delicate issue of Saban's responsibilities for the Longhorn Network, which some saw as an obstacle to the media-averse coach taking over at Texas. According to the source, the network will replace most of Brown's shows with reruns of "Walker, Texas Ranger." Saban will do one program each week in which he yells at Texas beat reporters for 30 minutes.

It is not yet known when Saban might be introduced as the coach of the Longhorns. One complication, Texas officials said, was that current Texas coach Mack Brown has locked himself in the office with Bevo and a loaded BB gun, loudly playing Michael Bolton songs to drown out repeat requests that he come out.

But the developments could help explain a tweet early Wednesday from Bobby Petrino, which read simply: "#RTR."

* Unless it is not painfully obvious by now, this is a parody.