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Why SEC Expansion Might Not Be Happening Soon

Mike Slive: Thank you all for coming. I've called this meeting to gauge your interest on possibly moving to the SEC.

Georgia Tech: Do you mind? I'm in the middle of a dungeon raid.

Georgia: Figures.

Slive: I don't know what that means. (clears throat) Texas and Texas A&M, you came the farthest to be here. How are you feeling?

Texas A&M: Yes.

Slive: Yes, what?

Texas A&M: Thank you for the invite. I accept.

Arkansas: Awesome! (high fives LSU)

Slive: But I didn't extend any offers yet.

Texas: Don't mind him. We're not coming. I'm too smart for your conference.

Vanderbilt: That's rich. This guy thinks he's funny.

Slive: Can't Texas A&M make his own decisions?

Texas: No. The state legislature won't let us split up, and I'm saying no. C'mon lil' brother, let's blow this joint.

Texas A&M: Yes I can. Wait, come back! Who you calling little brother?

Texas and Texas A&M leave.

Slive: All right. Virginia Tech, how are you feeling?

Virginia Tech: I'll have to ask the governor's office first. That's what got me in the ACC a few years back.

Slive: Sure thing, let's move on. Florida State?

Florida groans and signs dramatically.

Florida State: I might join, but tell me this. How many of you in the SEC currently fear the spear?

Ole Miss: Wait, what?

Florida State: I said do you FEAR THE SPEAR?

Florida: Hell no. You haven't won 10 games since 2003.

Kentucky: Seriously, even I beat you in the Music City Bowl a couple years ago.

Florida State: UNCONQUERED!

Slive: Right. While we're on the subject, Miami... 

Miami: Sí, señor.

Slive: What are your thoughts?

Miami: Creo que la Florida es una niña pequeña.

Florida: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Your crappy piped in music is echoing too loudly off all the empty seats in your rented stadium.

Mississippi State: Come now, Baxter. You know I don't speak Spanish. Ha ha, see what I did there?

Auburn: I saw it. Niiiiiice.

Alabama: Good Lord. Who gave those two permission to speak? Can we move on?

Slive: Calm down everyone. Last, but certainly not least, we've got Clemson. What is your interest level at?

Clemson: I'd be all for it. Why not make bring the Chicken Curse completely into the SEC?

South Carolina: Hey man, I beat you last season, and this is our year to win the East. You'll see.

Slive: Tennessee, you've been awfully quiet. Do you have anything to add?

Tennessee: Not since Lane Kiffin left.

Slive: Fair enough; I'm not arguing with that. Virginia Tech, did you get a hold of anyone at the governor's office?

Virginia Tech: Yeah, I did. Virginia wants to know what your lacrosse scheduling policies are.

Slive: Virginia? Lacrosse?

Miami: Estoy aburrido. ¡Vamos a la playa, caballeros!

Auburn: Oooh, it's my turn. Baxter! You know I don't...

Alabama: Shut up!

Slive: Gentlemen, it's getting a little out of hand here...

LSU: Hey, Mike. Texas just texted me the lyrics to "California Dreaming." Said it was dedicated to you.

Florida State: Wait a minute. If I join your league, do I have to change the war chant to include the S-E-C chant? Because I am not cool with that.

Slive: Um, if there are no objections, let's resume these meetings next week.

Vanderbilt: Done and done. Who's up for a game of Clue?

Alabama: I'm outta here.

Georgia Tech: Time's up. Let's do this!

Slive: But we just decided to end...


Slive: You know what, everyone? I'll call you.