[Inspired by LOU HOLTZ's successful political career, Alabama head coach NICK SABAN decides to run for Congress in Alabama. On this day, he is campaigning in Tuscaloosa.]
NICK SABAN: I want to thank Sen. Lou Holtz for introducing me. It's great to have your example, senator. Good man, particularly with the Hitler Leadership Academy he established there in Florida. Senator, you are -- Senator, no, -- please don't wander off, Sen. Holtz. Senator. Will someone please show the senator to his seat?
LOU HOLTZ: Where'th Tony Rice? We need him to win. Tony?
[An aide guides HOLTZ to his seat.]
NICK SABAN: Now, let me tell about you about how we handle this economic crisis we're in, aight? We're losing jobs like Alabama was losing football games when I came in. So we need The Process for the economy. We need to bring in the Pacific Institute everywhere. People get self-actualization going, and the next thing you know, we're winning more games -- er, jobs -- we're winning more jobs for our economy.
Talk about the war on terror. People ask me how I'd handle the war on terror, if I'd support President Tressel's approach to war. Now, when I was at Alabama --
LOU HOLTZ [standing]: ALABAMA! What's Alabama doing in the Thugar Bowl, playing Miami for the national title?!? All they play is defenthe. C'mon, we're a great team, just won a national title two yearth ago --
[An AIDE tries to get Holtz to sit down.]
AIDE [quietly]: Senator, it's not 1992. It's 2018, and you're a senator from Florida, not the coach of Notre Dame.
LOU HOLTZ: I'm a thenator? Well, who the h--- elected me?
AIDE: Please, sir, sit back down.
NICK SABAN: [Clears throat.] As I was saying, when I was at Alabama, we got hit pretty hard. Utah came out of nowhere and, blam, just like an IED on the road to Kabul. But we didn't sulk around and feel sorry for us or blame the fans or blame Andre Smith. Okay, we did all those things. But we also got back up, put that Humvee back together and -- well, you all know what happened next.
[There is wild applause at this line.]
NICK SABAN: And as for President Tressel's plan for universal sweater care, I have to say I'm not a fan. I think we should leave it to the market. Do you know that there's a five-year wait in France just to get a sweater patched? [There are scattered boos from the crowd, apparently directed at the French sweater-care system.]
LOU HOLTZ [standing]: Now, Mark, that's where I think you're wrong. Jim Tressel is doing a fine job coaching at Ohio State University, and I think --
AIDE: Senator, please.
NICK SABAN: Okay, folks. Well, um, I'd like to thank you all for your support and we'll see you in November.
[The crowd begins to cheer wildly. The dignitaries hurry off stage, except HOLTZ, who has to be physically dragged by staffers.]
LOU HOLTZ: But they haven't theen my newthpaper trick yet.