[SCENE: A classroom. Two students are seated at desks as STEVE SPURRIER stands at the front of the room.]
STEVE SPURRIER: Now, listen up, you two -- I'm going to coach both of you up. Gonna give you some ideas, this and that and the other, 'bout what you've been doing wrong. I've been in both of your positions before, done 'em both for a long time, so on and so forth, so I hope you'll listen. Like right now, Stephen. STEPHEN!
STEPHEN GARCIA: [Hides something under the desk.] Sorry, coach.
STEVE SPURRIER: What do you think you were doing?
STEPHEN GARCIA: Um, having a rubber band war.
STEVE SPURRIER: Really, you're 21. [Turns to his other student.] And you're 34.
LANE KIFFIN: Won't happen again.
[As SPURRIER turns around for a moment, KIFFIN mocks him. "Mou're mirty-mour."]
STEPHEN GARCIA: Pssst. Lane. You ever set off a fire extinguisher in a dorm room? It's wild, man.
LANE KIFFIN: Actually, I did that last year. [GARCIA looks puzzled.] It was a RECRUITING stunt. Turns out that's a secondary violation, too.
[Both of them suddenly turn to see SPURRIER glowering at them.]
STEVE SPURRIER: You 'bout done with your private conversation, so on and so forth? [Both nod compliantly.] Good. Now, Lane, your whole problem is you don't have the creativity, the pizazz, whatever. "Urban had to cheat to get him"? C'mon. Even if that was true, it's not very good.
LANE KIFFIN: Kind of like South Carolina.
STEVE SPURRIER: Son, you wanna see my Heisman Trophy?!? You wanna see my SEC rings?!? Do ya?!?
STEPHEN GARCIA: And if you're good, he might show you the scorecard from when he finally golfed par at Augusta the other day. [Looks at SPURRIER.] Sorry, coach.
STEVE SPURRIER: Anyway, what you need is a little more effort. Want to take a shot at Florida? Just say, "At least we don't have as many secondary violations as they have arrests." Anybody from Alabama gets onto ya, you go, "They can be sure to do everything by the book in Tuscaloosa because everybody's got a book. Even people who aren't supposed to." [Realizes something is going on.] What are you doing?
LANE KIFFIN: [Lowers a straw.] What spitball war?
[SPURRIER begins rubbing both temples, as if trying to get rid of a bad vision.]
LANE KIFFIN: You know, I've found people pay more attention to you if you take your shirt off.
STEPHEN GARCIA: Dude, I'm not sure I want to see that.
STEVE SPURRIER: Now, Stephen, this is exactly the problem you've been having. You've got to keep your focus. Whether you're out there on the field, pitchin' the ball around, Fun 'n' Gun, Cock 'n' Fire, whatever we're callin' it these days, or whether you're in your dorm room, doing -- doing whatever you're doing when you're not setting off fire extinguishers.
STEPHEN GARCIA [to KIFFIN, with pride]: That's like my Hall of Fame moment.
LANE KIFFIN: Yeah. Well, mine was when I pissed off an entire town.
STEVE SPURRIER: Know what? Just forget it. I'm going to go work on my putting.
STEPHEN GARCIA: Want to go egg his car?
LANE KIFFIN: [Pulls out a carton.] I'm one step ahead of you, bud.
MONDAY: South Carolina Leans on Hope, Again
TUESDAY: The Carolina Calendar
LATER TODAY: The Depth Chart; Hope and Homerism
FRIDAY: Feedback and Conclusions