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The Apprentice: SEC Coaches, Part II

Because of the interest in Herschel Walker's stint on The Apprentice, NBC and the Donald decide to do a season with the SEC coaches -- East vs. West. The first episode is here.

[Scene opens in the board room. This time, TRUMP is already seated as the coaches from the SEC West walk in.]

TRUMP: Welcome, gentlemen. You've been asked to come up with a team name and a project leader. Have you?

[HOUSTON NUTT leaps up on the table.]

HOUSTON NUTT: Our name is "The Congretation." Can I get an A-a-a-men!

NICK SABAN: Sit down and shut up, aight. No wonder they call you a sack of rabid weasels.

HOUSTON NUTT: I prefer to think of myself as an armadillo! I wrap around you, and then I squeeze you to death!

DAN MULLEN: I believe that's a boa constrictor.

HOUSTON NUTT: Nope. It's an armadillo.

DAN MULLEN: Boa constrictor.

HOUSTON NUTT: Armad --

TRUMP: Enough! [Turns to Ivanka.] Dear, could remind me to begin ordering Just for Men by the gallon? It looks like I'm going to need it this season.

A name, gentlemen.

DAN MULLEN: What did Urban want to name his team?

TRUMP: He wanted to call it Big De -- what difference does it make?

NICK SABAN: Urban this, Urban that. Do you ever talk about anything or anyone else?

DAN MULLEN: Whatever. 31-20.

NICK SABAN: Yeah, try doing that with Wesley Carroll.

BOBBY PETRINO [leans over table, whispers to TRUMP]: Can I go to the other team?

TRUMP: No! No, you can't! A name!

LES MILES: We have to choose a name that identifies our achieving more as it relates to the team that isn't ours and communicates its own sense of danger.

TRUMP: What?

LES MILES: YAAAA-HOOOOO! WE ROCK!!!

NICK SABAN: I don't have time for this --

TRUMP: Nick, we're on NBC.

DAN MULLEN: I say we go with "West is Best." Boa constrictor.

HOUSTON NUTT: Armadillo.

TRUMP: Stop it! Stop it now!

NICK SABAN: What about "The Process"?

LES MILES: I think we shouldn't get into a place where we're choosing something that one team is related to what it is that we've decided.

[TRUMP stares at him blankly.]

NICK SABAN: Western World. Come on folks, just leave it at that.

TRUMP [quickly, before anyone else can talk]: Sounds good to me. Now, your project manager. I would remind you that, if things go wrong, the project manager usually takes the blame and gets fired.

GENE CHIZIK: Really? I thought he got a better job.

DAN MULLEN: I think Urban should be our project manager.

NICK SABAN: Oh, for crying out lou --

BOBBY PETRINO: No, that's a great idea! Urban Meyer can come over here and be project manager, and I can go over to the other team --

TRUMP: No one is changing teams.

NICK SABAN: Only one of us won a national championship with his own players, aight, so I think it's only natural --

HOUSTON NUTT: [Leaps up on the table again] I will lead my congregation to the Promised Land. Everybody on your feet!

TRUMP: If you don't get off my table, you're not going to have feet to get on.

[HOUSTON NUTT climbs back down.]

TRUMP: Since you people obviously can't decide, I'll choose for you. I'll take the guy with the huge hat and no syntax.

LES MILES: WAA-HOO! Now, listen up, men. The victory will belong to a team that has some of the qualities that endorse leadership.

TRUMP: Whatever. I want all of you to go back to your suite. I'll call you when we're ready for the first challenge.

[The coaches exit as THE APPRENTICE theme plays.]