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Meeting Coach Saban

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[SCENE: Nick Saban's living room. It is spotless, but Saban can't resist moving the odd chair a bit this way and checking to make sure the picture frames -- all holding Daniel Moore paintings, of course -- are straight. He is obviously waiting for someone.

[The doorbell rings. Saban opens the door to find Anthony Grant standing there.]

SABAN: Anthony, I've been waiting for you, come on in.

GRANT: Well, I'm glad to meet you, Coach Saban.

SABAN: Please, it's Nick. Or Great Genius, if you must, but I prefer Nick, aight. Hold on just a minute ...

[Walks out of the room for a moment. Grant wanders over to the mantle.]

GRANT: The media always like this? They've been following me all over campus.

SABAN [from another room]: This is a bit unusual, actually. Why, I was telling Terry just a while ago, they're treating him like a serial killer or something, following him around with all those cameras.

[Saban re-enters room, carrying a tray.]

SABAN: Ginger snaps?

GRANT: Oh, okay. [Takes one. Turns back to mantle, where what appear to be human skulls are lined up.] What are these?

SABAN: [Laughs nervously] Oh, just an old joke, really.

GRANT [almost to himself]: Let's see, this one's labeled "Tuberville," this one says "Bowden." And then there's this empty space. "Chizik"?

SABAN: Like I said, just a harmless joke. They're not real or anything.

GRANT [tapping on one]: Seems real to me.

SABAN [clearly nervous]: Let's sit down, shall we? Another ginger snap?

[Grant accepts another one, warily. They sit down.]

SABAN: So, what do you think of Alabama?

GRANT: Well, it certainly seems nice. Friendly folks, except the reporters. [Glances at the window, where a cameraman has his lens pressed against the glass.] GO AWAY! [The cameraman scrambles.] It's seems like it would be a grea --

SABAN: How soon do you think you can start.

GRANT: [Laughs a little uncomfortably] Well, um, I haven't quite decided yet.

SABAN: Please come!

GRANT: Excuse me?

SABAN: Please come! These people are crazy! I go 12-0 in the regular season, lose to Florida in the SEC Championship and undefeated Utah in the Sugar Bowl, aight, and it's a disappointment. But, oh, they'll all be there, 400,000 strong or how many ever of them there are, aight, trying to come watch A-Day like it's the presidential inauguration or the circus or something something, going on about how many national championships I can win in one year, aight. See, I was coach at LSU, aight, and coach with the Miami Dolphins, aight, and there if you won, it was nice and everything, aight, but then the expectations kind of returned to normal. These people always want more.

[Grant looks at Saban like he's lost his mind.]

SABAN: They need a new shiny object, aight? A NEW SHINY OBJECT!

[Grant hurriedly gets up.]

GRANT: Well, it was nice meeting you, Nick.

SABAN: Nice meeting you.

[He walks Grant to the door, then leans in just as he opens the door.]

SABAN [whispering]: Please come. Help me.

GRANT: See you later. [Walks briskly, then almto a waiting van.]

[END OF SCENE]