TO: His Excellency, DeLoss Dodds
His Vice-Excellency, Joe Castiglione
His Red-Headed Excellency, Bill Byrne (Don't put him on here, you idiot. DD)
The Seven Dwarves
FROM: Big 12 Commissioner Dan Beebe
DATE: August 25, 2011
SUBJECT: Texas A&M Rumors
A number of you have probably heard the rumors that Texas A&M University will tell its fellow Big XII institutions at a meeting Saturday that it is leaving our wonderful conference. I have heard the rumors as well. All I can say is that DeLoss Dodds has not told me whether we will have a meeting Saturday.
In the meantime, I have devised a plan to try to keep A&M in the Big XII. First, I think we all need to acknowledge that we made a mistake when we failed to commemorate A&M's 140th anniversary in April. So I think we should hold a big birthday party for them. That would make them realize they are welcome in the Big XII, at least as long as they do whatever Texas says. (By the way, now that Colorado has left, does anybody know how we could get in touch with some strippers?)
I also want you to know that, contrary to what you might have seen reported elsewhere, DeLoss Dodds has done everything he can to try to make sure that Texas A&M stays in the conference. In fact, he has agreed to split every penny of revenue for the Longhorn Network from cable distributors who signed contracts with the network before this week. Also, he is taking this very seriously, calling me back on this matter instead of simply telling his secretary what to tell me. (And I can't speak about his top secret discussions with a certain school in the Midwest about joining our conference. All I can say is -- go Zips!)
And while I have all of your attention, I also want to clear up something that has been misreported in the media. I did not have a contentious discussion with Mike Slive about conference realignment. I was actually just upset because he called me on my cell phone and interrupted my best game of Angry Birds ever; the conversation we had was very pleasant.
As long as we take the right steps, I still believe that the
Longhorn Big XII Conference can be as successful as ever. And, if not, Ruston is lovely in the fall.