ON BOARD THE FRIGATE S.E.C. KRAMER (TSK) -- The Southeastern Conference Navy seized the island of Cuba on Tuesday, a dramatic escalation of a war among three conferences that experts fear may spread to the entire Western Hemisphere.
The SEC Army invaded Mexico just two days ago, responding the the decision by the Big Ten's 11th Brigade to seize Ontario, Quebec and Saskatchewan. Big Ten commanders said they considered taking Manitoba as well, but decided that province's academic standards were not up to snuff.
Big Ten Generalissimo Jim Delany reportedly personally led the Canadian charge, yelling "Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!" before being told that a land-based invasion would not encounter torpedoes.
SEC Central Command said there would be no comment on ongoing military operations.
But there were already signs that the SEC could soon face a new war on its Western flank, with the Pac-10 claiming Baja California. The announcement brought a mistaken celebration in Waco, Tex., before locals were told it was "Baja" and not "Baylor."
When asked about the developments on his Southern border, Big XII Commissioner Dan Beebe said: "Mexico. Gosh, that's like another state and everything. By the way, have you heard about this new gadget Apple makes, called the UPhone or something? Super neat!"
Meanwhile, anonymous Big East officials said that conference backed off its plans to invade Maine after realizing that "it's Maine, and that would be lame."