Because of the interest in Herschel Walker's stint on The Apprentice, NBC and the Donald decide to do a season with the SEC coaches -- East vs. West.
[All the SEC coaches gather in Trump's board room.]
DONALD TRUMP: Okay, gentlemen. It's time for your first challenge. We decided to go somewhat easy on you and start out with something you'll all be familiar with. It will be your job to go to two companies who are considering sponsoring bowl games and get them to make a commitment. Is everyone clear on that?
NICK SABAN: I don't have time for this ****, aight?
DONALD TRUMP: Then you're fired.
NICK SABAN: Nobody fires me! I'm Nick Saban! I quit!
NICK SABAN: And you better look out. Because I will not be the next CEO of the Trump Organization. [Begins to leave.]
DONALD TRUMP: What kind of a threat is that?
LANE KIFFIN: It's like a giant opposite day in the pea brain of his. [Giggles]
DONALD TRUMP: What the h*** is your problem? Did you play tackle football without a helmet when you were a kid?
LANE KIFFIN: When I was a kid? Ha! I still play football without a helmet!
DONALD TRUMP: You know, you have a bigger mouth than I do.
LANE KIFFIN: See, that's my master plan. It's all about RECRUITING and --
DONALD TRUMP: Shut up! I can't take it. You're fired!
LANE KIFFIN: But but but ...
DONALD TRUMP: That'll make the teams even. The rest of you, get going.
[NEW SCENE: The coaches from the East sit in a conference room, obviously waiting for someone. Across the screen, the words "EASTERN EMPIRE" appear.]
URBAN MEYER: Seriously?
BOBBY JOHNSON: Yep.
URBAN MEYER: A suppository manufacturer?
MARK RICHT: No, Urban, all those signs saying "Acme Suppositories" were made just to trick you.
STEVE SPURRIER: Too bad lane got fired. He'd be perfect for this one, seeing as how he's already a pain in the --
[The conversation abruplty stops as the company's CEO steps into the room. Across the screen: "Bill Jacobs, Acme CEO"]
BILL JACOBS: Okay. So we're thinking about sponsoring a bowl to bring focus to our new product. [Pulls out a small, torpedo shaped object.]
RICH BROOKS: This is b***s***.
BILL JACOBS: No, sir, it's a suppository.
RICH BROOKS: I know what a suppository is. I use one every day. [The other coaches squirm uncomfortably.] I'm saying this whole idea of a company that makes rectal medications sponsoring a bowl game. What, exactly, would you propose for a logo?
[MARK RICHT nudges RICH BROOKS, who quiets down.]
BILL JACOBS: Well, I think we're still interested. Our main concern is that we'll get stuck with a new bowl and end up with some bottom-feeding SEC team like South Caro --
STEVE SPURRIER [rising in anger]: Now, wait just a minute. I got six SEC rings! SIX! You wanna count 'em?!? You wanna see my national championship trophy?!? My Heisman?!?
BOBBY JOHNSON: Steve, calm --
STEVE SPURRIER: And just because I can't get a decent quarterback, because I got to pick between Chris Smelley and Tommy Beecher 'cause Stephen Garcia's missing practice to, I don't know, get a fake ID made or somethin' --
BOBBY JOHNSON: Steve, shut up!
BILL JACOBS: Maybe we should just wrap it up.
[Suddenly, dark shades appear around MARK RICHT's eyes as he shirt color changes from red to black.]
EVIL RICHT: Wait just a minute.
[JACOBS, who was getting his papers together, stops.]
EVIL RICHT: I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.
URBAN MEYER: What, sponsor the bowl or you'll dance him to death?
EVIL RICHT: You're still not over that?
[URBAN MEYER and EVIL RICHT begin squabbling with each other as BILL JACOBS leaves the room.]
[NEW SCENE: The lobby at Verizon Wireless headquarters, which include a showroom filled with various phones. HOUSTON NUTT runs excitedly from one to the other, as "WESTERN WORLD" appears on the screen.]
HOUSTON NUTT [peering at one phone]: Oh, Giggi-tah. This one's got a drop-down keyboard and everything. Can I get an "Amen"?
[The other coaches, flipping through magazines, half-heartedly comply.]
DAN MULLEN: I wonder how Urban's doing.
[BOBBY PETRINO slaps him in the back of the head with a magazine, then opens it back up.]
BOBBY PETRINO: Where was I? Ah, "Career Opportunities."
[A VERIZON EXECUTIVE walks out, trailed by the crowd familiar to commercial viewers.]
VERIZON EXECUTIVE: You gentlemen are ready for our conversation?
HOUSTON NUTT: Absolutely. Now this phone over here, tell me what kind of a discount I can get --
LES MILES: Houston. We have come to get an achievement that we've been sent here to accomplish.
GENE CHIZIK: Did you skip diagramming sentences in middle school?
LES MILES: Did you skip learning how to win in college?
HOUSTON NUTT: What about this phone over here?
BOBBY PETRINO: Wait a minute. [Looks down at cell phone.] Oooh. It's my agent. Gotta get this one. [Answers phone.] So, what are they paying in South Bend these days?
[GENE CHIZIK and LES MILES exchange blows, while HOUSTON NUTT continues running from phone to phone.]
DAN MULLEN [to VERIZON EXECUTIVE]: Now, if Urban were here, he'd say --
VERIZON EXECUTIVE: Yeah, whatever. Somebody get me security.
[NEW SCENE: The board room.]
DONALD TRUMP: Incredible. Both teams failed to complete the task. It's just -- I'm -- [Shakes his head for a moment.] Amazing.
STEVE SPURRIER: Listen, we tried to be polite and all --
DONALD TRUMP: Bill Jacobs has a requested a temporary restraining order.
STEVE SPURRIER: Well, I'd say that was a bit much.
DONALD TRUMP: Said the only one he'd consider speaking to again was Bobby. You know what? You're all fired. Everyone except Bobby Johnson. Congratulations, Coach Johnson -- you won. You beat all the other SEC coaches.
[Suddenly, we hear a loud, repetitive buzz.
[BOBBY JOHNSON sits up, sweating, in a dark room. He looks over to a table beside his bed, where his ringing alarm clock shows the time is 5:45.]
BOBBY JOHNSON: [Swears.] One of these days -- one of these days.
[He hits the snooze button and goes back to sleep.]