A source who claimed to have gone through Arkansas Razorbacks head coach Bobby Petrino's desk told Team Speed Kills he found a document entitled "Stock Speech for New Jobs." The text of that document follows.
Hello. Thank you, thank you all. (Wait 15 minutes for standing applause to die down.) You're too kind. Thank you.
Well, it's great to be in (insert name of town/city/whatever they call their cesspool). (Try not to laugh.) You know, I've always dreamed of coaching in the (insert conference/league/latest career opportunity).
I've been a few places in my career. (Pause as they laugh in awe of self-deprecating sense of humor.) But nowhere have I seen fans with as much passion and intensity as the fans here in (insert town name). And it matches the great and unrivaled tradition of (insert new team name).
I honestly think this is the greatest place on Earth. And I intend to be here for the rest of my career. (Try really hard not to laugh.)
Now, I know there are probably still a lot of questions about how I left (wherever I escaped from). But the truth is, I just wanted the (insert new team name) job so much, and it was an opportunity I just couldn't pass up. I do want to make it clear that I only started talking to (insert new team name) on (insert day that would make it look better).
My focus now is entirely on (insert new team name). Let's go win some football games. (Smile and wave as enraptured crowd applauds maniacally.)
MONDAY: Arkansas Rebuilds with Offense; Arkansas Expats is Live
EARLIER TODAY: Darren McFadden is Still Unfair; The Arkansas Agenda
WEDNESDAY: The Depth Chart
FRIDAY: Feedback and Conclusions