Nutt Helps Forge Middle East Peace

[While in the Middle East to visit American troops in Iraq, Ole Miss head coach HOUSTON NUTT is asked to help the U.S.'s latest initiative for peace between the Israelis and Palestinians. He enthusiastically agrees, as he always does, and meets secretly with Israeli Prime Minister BENJAMIN NETANYAHU and Palestinian President MAHMOUD ABBAS.]

HOUSTON NUTT: Okay, gentlemen, it appears we have a problem here. You like fighting each other, which causes everybody all sorts of problems, and our president wants it to stop. So he asked me to help.

[NETANYAHU and ABBAS look at NUTT, then each other, not sure what to make of this particular American.]

HOUSTON NUTT: See, I think I've got the kind of experience that can help you both. First of all, Mahmoud -- is it okay if I call you 'Mo'?

MAHMOUD ABBAS: Well --

HOUSTON NUTT: Great. Now, Mo, it seems you got problems with these Hamas folks, like blowing up innocent people, shooting rockets at Israel, all kinds of crazy stuff.

See, I dealt with extremists when I was coach of Arkansas. Granted, they never blew nothing up, they just flew planes over the stadium and filed all kinds of open records requests for my text messages and stuff.

MAHMOUD ABBAS: Why did you not shoot them?

HOUSTON NUTT: Ask myself that same question every day, Mo. Every day.

MAHMOUD ABBAS: Then how did you deal with them?

HOUSTON NUTT: I moved. That's where my newest idea comes in. See, we've got this place in America no one's using, called Wyoming. I think you should consider taking your people there and doing something with it. It's got all the oil and everything and none of the problems.

[ABBAS looks at him quizzically, but NUTT has already moved on.]

HOUSTON NUTT: [Turns to NETANYAHU.] Now, Ben.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU: You realize I could use my IDF training to --

HOUSTON NUTT: Yeah, yeah, whatever. You let people call you "Bibi." Ben's not going to hurt. I know you're all about expanding settlements and all, but listen, I just don't see how it's going to work. Here's my idea: Do what I did when we signed like a hundred guys to our latest recruiting class. You farm them out to other villages in Israel and let 'em cool their heels there a couple years.

Then, when some of the current settlers go to that great NFL Combine in the sky, you plug in the settlers that you've got waiting in the other villages.

[NETANYAHU looks at him blankly.]

HOUSTON NUTT: Well, that's all I've got. Hope y'all will listen to those ideas and work out your differences. I really think, with a little bit of work, those principles can get you there.

[NUTT leaves.]

MAHMOUD ABBAS: [Shakes head.] Crazy American.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU: Tell me about it.

[Having found something on which they agree, the leaders begin talking -- slowly at first, then more animated, the excitement clearly growing.]

FIN

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