[SCENE: Jay Jacobs' office at Auburn University, where he is discussing Gene Chizik's pending contract with Chizik and ubertrustee Bobby Lowder.]
JAY JACOBS: So, Gene, here's what we're thinking. First, we'd like to have some incentives in there based on the number of games won. For example, it would be another $100,000 if you won nine games. If --
GENE CHIZIK: Wait, wait, wait. What kind of a time frame are we talking about here?
JAY JACOBS: Huh?
GENE CHIZIK: Over what time frame would I have to win the nine games to get the incentive?
JAY JACOBS: [Slumps a little in his chair.] One season, Gene.
GENE CHIZIK: [Eyes widen.] That's a lot of games. What if I won four one year and five the next?
JAY JACOBS: No, Gene. that wouldn't do it.
BOBBY LOWDER [whispering to JACOBS]: I can have the plane fired up in an hour.
[JACOBS glares at LOWDER, who takes a chair in the corner of the room.]
GENE CHIZIK: I mean, I can lose nine games in a year. That's not hard.
JAY JACOBS: Nine wins in one season. Those are the terms of that incentive. If you win SEC coach of the year --
[LOWDER begins shaking violently, his hand over his mouth.]
JAY JACOBS: Bobby, are you okay?
BOBBY LOWDER: Cough, cough. Fine. I'm -- hee hee -- fine. Nothing. Hee. Carry on.
JAY JACOBS: As I was saying, if you win SEC coach of the year, that's another $250,000. And we'll throw in, say, another $300,000 if you win national coach of the year.
[LOWDER falls out of his chair, laughing uncontrollably.]
GENE CHIZIK: What's the matter with him?
BOBBY LOWDER: Nothing. HA! Just a bit of -- [guffaws again] -- this joke my daughter told me -- [begins laughing hysterically again]
GENE CHIZIK: Really? I love jokes. How'd this one go?
BOBBY LOWDER: [Calms down.] It was, um, about a goldfish. Don't remember much more than that, really.
GENE CHIZIK: Can I step outside for a minute? Had too much tea with lunch.
JAY JACOBS: [Blinks uncomfortably.] Yeah. By all means.
JAY JACOBS: Okay, you were the one that didn't bother to check Petrino's exclusitivity agreement.
BOBBY LOWDER: That didn't mean I wanted you to hire Ole 5-19.
JAY JACOBS: Listen here, you little T. Boone Pickens wannabe --
[Door knob turns. CHIZIK re-enters.]
GENE CHIZIK: Sorry. Was I interrupting?
JAY JACOBS: No, not at all. Now, back to the incentives. If you win an SEC championship --
BOBBY LOWDER: Excuse me a moment. I need a drink of water.
MONDAY: Auburn Hopes To Regroup in a Hurry
LATER TODAY: The 2009 Schedule
WEDNESDAY: The Depth Chart
FRIDAY: Feedback and Conclusions