The Apprentice: SEC Coaches, Part I

Because of the interest in Herschel Walker's stint on The Apprentice, NBC and the Donald decide to do a season with the SEC coaches -- East vs. West.

[Scene opens in the Board Room, with the SEC coaches along one side of the table. TRUMP walks in.]

LANE KIFFIN: Hehehehe. [whispering to SPURRIER] Psst. Hey, Steve. His hair is almost as bad as yours. [snickers uncontrollably]

TRUMP: You know I can hear you, Lane.

[SPURRIER slaps KIFFIN on the back of the head.]

LANE KIFFIN: Hey! Only Daddy gets to hit me like that! And only when I ask him a dumb question, like what exactly the Tampa 2 is.

TRUMP: Gentlemen, you were supposed to come up with your team name.

LANE KIFFIN: [sulking] I still think we ought to go with "The Bear's Been Dead Like 100 Years -- Cope!"

RICH BROOKS: [to TRUMP] Excuse me a minute, orange-looking man, may I say something?

[TRUMP shrugs.]

RICH BROOKS: [turns to KIFFIN] Kid, I don't remember your name. I'm too old, and I really don't care. But has anybody ever told you you're full of b***s***?

LANE KIFFIN: Yeah, but he was almost as old and crazy as you.

RICH BROOKS: What was that supposed to mean?

LANE KIFFIN: It was Al Davis.

RICH BROOKS: Come here, kid, and I'll show you why U.S. Grant would never fight me, you little --


TRUMP: So, did you come up with a project manager or a name?

STEVE SPURRIER: Bobby there, he's gonna be our project manager. Nobody 'spects him to win, anyways, so we don't really feel threatened by him, so on 'n' so forth.

BOBBY JOHNSON: Try telling that to Chris Smelley.

TRUMP: So, Bobby, you're going to be project manager?


TRUMP: And the name?

LANE KIFFIN: "C.I.A.D. -- Chizik is a Douche!"

RICH BROOKS: Shut up, Doogie Howser!

LANE KIFFIN: Bring it, Mr. AARP president!

TRUMP: Hey! Hey! Hey! Lane! Do you want to be the first person fired before we even get to a project?


TRUMP: Okay. Then shut up.

LANE KIFFIN: [making faces, mumbling] 'Nokay. Nen nut nup.'

[TRUMP glares at LANE KIFFIN, who notices, stops mocking TRUMP and sits straight up.]

TRUMP: Bobby, the team name.

BOBBY JOHNSON: Eastern Empire.

TRUMP: Okay.

URBAN MEYER: I still think it should be "Big Deal."

MARK RICHT: You would.

URBAN MEYER: What's that supposed to mean?

MARK RICHT: It was 85 kids dancing in an end zone. Give it up. You would think I shot your dog or something.

URBAN MEYER: I shot my dog when he bit the Golden Tebow. That's not the point. The point is --

TRUMP: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Enough!

LANE KIFFIN: You didn't call me a gentleman!


LANE KIFFIN: Never mind.

TRUMP: Now, go to your suite. I'll call you when I'm done with the other team.

[The coaches exit as THE APPRENTICE theme plays.]

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