[Jan. 2, 2010. The television screen flickers with static. STEVE ADDAZIO appears, seated at a table in front of a drab backdrop.]
STEVE ADDAZIO: Good evening. This is Interim Head Coach for Life Steve Addazio. I will be leading football team now as we all await healing of Great Leader and Head Coach in Waiting for Life, Urban Meyer. He is being sick in his ticker-tocker. Now is time for all of Gator Nation to come together behind Interim Head Coach for Life Steve Addazio. Which is me.
I am to understand that some of you are having concerns with leadership abilities of Interim Head Coach for Life Steve Addazio. Which is me. Never to fear. I assure that little will change in our glorious Gator Nation. In fact, we are to be running TEBOW SMASH now more than ever. We will be doing so out of five wide receiver set, as I so --
[An aide leads down and whispers in ADDAZIO's ear.]
STEVE ADDAZIO: [quietly, to aide] What are you meaning Tim Tebow is being graduated from university? Great Leader and Head in Waiting for Life, Urban Meyer, did not mention this to Interim Head Coach for Life Steve Addazio. Which is me. [back to camera] Ahem. As I was saying, we are to be running BRANTLEY SMASH now more than ever. It will be great success and we will be winning national championship again.
We are also now in position to be choosing Defensive Coordinator for Life and Interim Offensive Coordinator for Life to replace Interim Head Coach for Life Steve Addazio. Which is me. These individuals must obviously be of highest quality to lead Gator Nation in future.
I would then like to be introducing you to Defensive Coordinator for Life and until recently a Head Coach --
[Camera zooms out and pans to reveal the choice.]
STEVE ADDAZIO: -- Mr. Ron Zook.
RON ZOOK: [smiling] Thank you. I wanted to thank the University of Illinois for allowing me to leave without having to pay my buyout, and to say --
STEVE ADDAZIO: [Angrily] THAT IS ENOUGH! WHAT WAS I TELLING YOU ABOUT SPEAKING WHEN NOT BEING ASKED TO DO SO BY INTERIM HEAD COACH FOR LIFE STEVE ADDAZIO?!? WHICH IS ME. [Turning back to camera and assuming a calmer manner.] I would also like to be introducing new Interim Offensive Coordinator for Life, also until recently Head Coach --
[Camera zooms out and pans to the other side to reveal the choice.]
STEVE ADDAZIO: -- Mr. Mark Mangino.
MARK MANGINO: THANK YOU HEAD COACH FOR LIFE OR WHATEVER YOU'RE CALLING YOURSELF, YOU TWO-BIT IMITATION OF A FOOTBALL LEADER. LISTEN, THAT PRETTY BOY JOHN BRANTLEY BETTER BE READY, CUZ THERE AIN'T GOING TO BE NO "GREATEST PLAYER OF OUR ERA" CRAP WHILE I'M IN TOWN. I'M GOING TO MAKE HIM RUN SO HARD HE'S GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK. I'M GOING TO FORCE HIM TO STUDY THE PLAYBOOK SO MUCH, HIS HEAD'S GOING TO HURT LIKE HE'S GOT A CYST ON HIS BRAIN. IT'S TIME FOR US TO BRING SOME SORT --
STEVE ADDAZIO: [Angrily] THAT IS BEING ENOUGH AGAIN! YOU ARE NOT TO BE OVERSHADOWING INTERIM HEAD COACH FOR LIFE STEVE ADDAZIO! WHICH IS ME.
MARK MANGINO: LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE WILD-EYED --
[MANGINO collapses. ADDAZIO pulls a taser from underneath the table, the wires still leading to where MANGINO lies twitching on the ground.]
STEVE ADDAZIO: That will be teaching you not to overshadow interim head coach for life Steve Addazio. Which is me.
[Turning back to camera] Finally, I would like to dismiss some of these most shameful lies that are being spread around the Gator Nation. Some of you have heard that Head Coach in Waiting for Life Urban Meyer is being under house arrest. This is slanderous untruth. He is being cared for by finest doctors in all of Gator Nation. Some of these doctors also are wearing military fatigues and assault rifles. This is being completely normal. Head Coach in Waiting for Life Urban Meyer is free to come back whenever ticker-tocker is healed. But he must be strong like ox, so he can run SMASH! [Clasps hands together, begins banging on the table.] TEBOW SMASH! BRANTLEY SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! [Stops banging.
[Begins doing the Gator chomp] Thank you to most glorious Gator Nation. And good night.